"stop your whining, its 2:30 in the morning and theres broken brown glass everywhere."

"No Kevin, skinny jeans is not a way to snort koolaid."

So kevin is watching tv with his mom, and he asks where does koolaid come from. His mom slapped him and asked if he was on crack. He walked out of his house and fell on the sidewalk. He got up and walked into the barber shop. He asked for a buzz cut. The barber took the money, threw him on thje ground, and called the police. Kevin got up and said "what" and was proceeded by a knee in the face. He crawled home with his skinny jeans ripped. On his way home a wheel from an 18 wheeler picked  him up as he spun down the highway stuck in a tire. The driver knew he was there, but paid no attention to him. The driver made a sharp turn, and kevin smashed his face into the curb. He was gasping for air as he walked home to his basement. He got on his computer, checked his facebook, he got 3 blocks, 6 unfriendings, and 7 hate messages. He had 1 notification from himself liking his own comment. Kevin was frickin popular and proud. He began to get into his underwear, sit on the ground, and spin in a circle until he got a notification. After 4 hours, a migraine, and possibly brain damage, he got a notification. He clicked on the red number. It said,no one liked your status. He got up and jumped on his cat. his cat clawed him in the face as kevin was screaming. while this was happening,a big black man walked down the basement stairs, took off his shoe, and grabbed his toenail. He pulled as hard as he could when he had a flashback. His mom was cooking spaghetti while he just learned how to walk. He had the same face he does now, with a babie's body. He walked out side as a motorcycle stopped at his house and kevin walked up to the man. He took off his helmet and kicked kevin 10 feet up his driveway. he rode off. He soon went back to reality as blood was gushing out of his toe. His mom ran down stairs, said clean your room, and went to the bar. Kevin just layed there thinking what would happen if he had yellow converse.

Kevins got a heavy case of the bubbly biscuits.

So kevin thought it would be funny to stick a moldy banana in his narrators exhaust pipe. Guess who's in the hospital now. Kevins takin over temporarily. Hey guiz. It's kevin. let me tell you a story. My skinny jeans are cutting off the circulation to my frickin arteries. like why are they purple. purple koolaid up my nose. im frickin batman 2. im modding cod4 right now. my character is flying across the map. why are my shoes always brown. its like when the frick did i step in my moms bathroom.  so i went to the comic store, asked for a piece of gum, they asked me where the frick my pants were. i told them i sold it for redbull to pour down my pants. im in a frickin video game. im frickin magical. im a frickin bill gates of crack. i threw a brick at the store guy. i walked out with spider man comics andpicked a booger  out of my toes.i went to the lake to swim when a couple of guys made fun of my frickin green nipples. doesnt everyone have them. they threw a rock at my face and it knocked my glasses off. i fell over and pulled grass out of the ground and lit it on fire to  make a perfect joint. of poison ivy. i frickin squealed with my frickin earlbes and my bowels were triggered. a frickin racoon comes up to me an bites my frickin skinny jeans. im like what the frick, ive had these since i was 8. i walked home breathing heavily as a rott weiller was chasig me down the freeway. i frickin jumnped off the bridge and landed face first in the water. i grabbed onto a boat motor as it frickin swung me a frickin mile away. my toes were bleeding because i forgot my meds. woops. i swam out of the water with my ears then saw my facebook buddy. he cussed me out and broke my kneecap. he threw me on a frickin lawn mower and pushed me to the frickin diner. like what the frick. what a fart knocker. i am scared to leav my converse behind....

Kevin's Norwegian senses are tingling in all the wrong places.

Kevin's momma just got a promotion. They're moving to Calfornia. Kevin was so excited he almost peed himself. His mom threw a hammer at his computer and told him to get in the monte carlo. Kevin got in the car, pulled down his pants, and said, "mom? can I work at subway?" and giggled as he poured his half full can of fanta down his thighs. His mom cussed at him and told him to get the rag. He grabbed the rag and cleaned it up crying. Sooner or later, they were on they're way to the West coast. He kept trying to change the radio station but his mom slapped his hand away everytime. He saw a bumper sticker that said "Obama Nation" and started puking in the ashtray. His momma finally let him change the station. He turned the knob and heard his favorite song playing. "California Girls" by Katy Perry. He began to shriek of joy when his mom picked up a plastic bag, formed it int a ball, and stuck it down his throat. He was gasping for air as he puked again, it being red and black this time, into the ashtray. He remembered hos his favorite song was playing and began to sing along. He got so happy he took off his shirt, stuck half his body out the window with his middle fingers up, screaming "N00BZZZZZ." He then pulled down his skinny jeans, and mooned the car next to him. The car next to him pulled down his window, threw a lit cigarette at kevins butt, and made kevin jump hitting his head on the roof of his car. His mom kept driving not caring about kevin. He began to smile though when snoop dogg started rapping though.
To be continued...

Kevin's horoscope is a black guy ripping off his toenail.

So Kevin decides to make a daily booth. Big whoop. Well, it is for the fbi. But we'll get into that later. Kevin starts by uploading a picture of him holding his cat. He pressed "1-2-3" and by the time it reached 1, the cat was digging its nails into his face. He began to yell and scream for mercy. He ripped out his cats nails, but that ripped off half his face. Clumsily, he hit upload picture and uploaded a picture of half his face missing. When he got a comment, he smiled as the pain intensified. He left his mom's basement and went outside. He was walking past an alley as a big black man shot his foot and pulled poor kevin by the ears deeper into the alley. He took kevin, shoved oxycotin down his throat and slapped him in the face. Kevin begging for help, but he made a typo which caused him to cut himself. A gang called "The moon busta'z" He started puking from the lack of blood caused from his cat. He passed out. He woke up in a strange room, he couldnt quite describe it until it hit him. He was in purgatory. He got up and felt his face. He was healed. Now kevin saw a guy, and asked him where he was going.. The guy told him that he's going to hell because he's Kevin. Kevin got on his hands and knee's, snorted some crack, and begged to go to heaven. The guy simply looked down, said this straight to his face, "Do you want to be slapped across the face?" and kneed him in the chin. Kevin was gasping for air. He didn't know how to get out. He started to feel shaking and looked up. He wasy lying on the floor in his basement surrounded by a puddle of blood. He looked to the left: his cat walking with patches of skin attached to his paws. He looked to the right: he got a new follower on dailybooth. Her name was "Nancyrose" He crawled towards his computer crying and looked at her pictures. It turns out to be his old science teacher. He smiled with joy when he heard his mom stomping downstairs in her old bathrobe holding a broom. She yelled, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOIN'?!?! GET THE HECK OUT OF MY HOUSE! I DON'T WANT NO MURDER SCENE!" She approached him with the broom and shoved the back of it down his throat. He was puking uncontrollably as his mom went back upstairs cussing. Kevin just layed there, half-dead wondering if he wanted to meet morgan freeman.... 

Kevin likes...

Kevin likes hammer. Kevin likes stephanie. Kevin likes cocaine. Kevin likes men sometimes. Kevin like having red ears because it gets a lot of girls. Kevin likes T-pain. Kevin likes being kevin. Kevin likes to dougie. Kevin likes to pee his pants. Kevin likes to clean his underwear by licking it. Kevin likes family reunions but they end up bad because he hits on his cousin.. Kevin likes fixing computers. Kevin likes going on chatroulette and getting banned. Kevin likes Reed. Kevin likes to read. Kevin likes puppies. Kevin likes making new friends on WoW and meeting up with them in real life thinkin ghtey are 15 year old girls when they are really 37 year olds trying to kill him and make out with him at the sametime but kevin know karate so he tries to beat them up but they get mad and beat his with rusty chain in his parent's bedroom. 

Grab someone named Kevin, tell him hey.

As kevin was munching on crack-filled blueberrys from his uncle, He realized something. He didnt have a car. Kevin went to the pawn shop, asked for WoW membership cards, peed on the carpet, and ran out of the store with the police right on his tail. He ran in the middle of the road and got hit by a silver pick-up truck. His leg snapped in various directions but all he could think about was..... His dog which he killed for food 3 years ago. He ran home with a broken leg hiding from the cops. After about 15 minutes, he went to the beach. He saw a rock and thought he was a video game character. He ran into the ocean thinking he could breath underwater. His still broken leg, was dangling in the water and a dolpin bit it, thinking it was fish. He was scared to death but he ran out of the ocean, and went home, and checked his facebook. Now kevin knows how to dougie.